Dear Kensi
by Bluenet13
Summary: Post-ep for "To Live and Die in Mexico." (10x01): Sometimes all we need is a different perspective, and sometimes it comes from unlikely sources. *Spoilers for last aired episode*


_I should have known what I needed to be able to write again was a new episode and Densi goodness. I started this last night when I couldn't sleep and finally got it to a point that I feel somewhat confident to share. It's been a while since I do this consistently and I apologize for that other story I have still not finished, just know I'm working on it, and I WILL finish it. Thanks for giving this one a chance, and hope you like it._

* * *

Back under the protective dome of their City of Angels, and just after their newest declaration of love, Kensi and Deeks had drifted off to sleep. Bodies tired but minds freer than before, no new dreams, or hallucinations to plague their slumber, just the calming nothing of unconsciousness.

Waking up a few hours later, Kensi carefully extricated herself from under Deeks' arm. Injured body still hurting but his aching extremities still holding protectively to her. A deep desire, even in the peace of sleep, to feel her close. A kiss to his bruised forehead and a whispered _I Love You_ before the agent quietly exited the room. Her sore muscles protesting every movement as she felt every little ache. Still, she regretted nothing, because she could truly have carried Deeks through that whole desert, but without him, she couldn't carry on.

A quick check up confirmed that both Callen and Sam were peacefully resting in their own hospital room. Ex-Navy Seal awkwardly sitting on the bed, still apologizing to an upset Kam for having gotten hurt again. His partner on the bed next to him, eyes closed and ventilator on, allowing his injured lung some time to heal. As quickly as she had approached the room, the female agent had walked out, with only a quick nod to her senior teammate confirming that everything was okay on their end.

Leaving the treatment area, and reaching the waiting room, Kensi noticed a pair of familiar faces on the desolate back corner of the room. The wonder twins sitting side-by-side, hands not-so-subtly grasped together, tablets on their legs, and evident relief in both their eyes.

Reaching the cafeteria, the female agent picked up some snacks, before stopping at the nurse's station to request some Jello be delivered to her partner's room.

On her way back from her food run, Kensi had again gazed at the back corner of the waiting room. Tablets no longer visible, Eric and Nell laughed together as they munched on some Oreos, and KitKats. Energy drinks sitting on the side table, and empty coffee cups discarded to the side. Eric's eyes visibly shining as he sweetly wiped some crumbs from Nell's cheek, and his own becoming red in surprise, when his eyes turned upwards to meet Kensi's stare. Female agent chuckling conspiratorially as she silently wondered when her teammates would follow in their footsteps and take their official next step. Another nod as confirmation and the twins resuming their vigil as they reveled in the presence of their team. The friends they both considered family, and ones they could have easily forever lost. Each set of partners of the OSP team dealing with this newest disaster in their own way.

Arriving back to her partner's room, is when she noticed it for the first time. Whether it had been there before she couldn't remember, but a crisp white piece of paper now sat on the bedside table. _Kensi_ written on the top in delicate handwriting and blue ink. Unfolding the letter, Kensi sat on the empty chair next to the bed, and began to read.

-0-0-0-

 _Good evening, Agent Blye,_

 _It will probably be some time before we see each other again. An unsanctioned foreign operation, or rather rescue mission I should say, four injured agents and a lost team member surely gives one a lot to fix. But, before we part ways, I wanted to apologize._

 _One day you might become a mother, and then you might truly understand. I keep my word to what I said in the mission and I pray you never do. I pray if you do have children, that they never be ripped from your side. But that you're still able to see that a mother's love is unconditional._

 _Your team unfortunately became chess pieces in a game in which you didn't belong. Bargaining chips in a love affair that never should have been allowed to blossom into a baby boy that shouldn't be held at blame for the mistakes of his parents. Spencer and I should have never gotten involved, but we all make mistakes. Derrick still exists, and as his mother it's my duty to protect him. I don't regret anything, and I never will. Derrick is my world and I would have done whatever was needed to get him back. I do regret getting your team in this situation, and each of you individually in this position. Leverage in my own personal battle. But sometimes in war, sacrifices have to be made._

 _I will never forgive myself for losing Hidoko. An agent I personally trained, and a brilliant, loyal, young woman that deserved so much better than life dealt her. I can't apologize to her, and that will forever remain with me, but I can apologize to you. And hopefully someday you will all find it in you to forgive me._

 _Kensi, I hope you are never put in my position. Your mind becoming a battle of wills between the love of a mother and the honor of a United States law enforcement officer. Maybe up to this point you have found easy to pick, but someday you might be forced to make a difficult choice. I would particularly pick love every single time. Treasure those you value dearly, and always keep them close. Now I clearly see things that weren't evident before, and as I stand in this hospital hallway, and look through your room window, I understand that not only a mother's love is unconditional. I'm sorry I almost took that away from you, and I thank you all for risking your lives to bring my son back to me. You're a brilliant agent and our country is proud to call you theirs. Just remember that one day the time might come when you have to decide if you're first an American law enforcement officer, or a mother, a wife, or even just a friend._

 _With much gratitude,_

 _EAD. Shay Mosley._

 _P.S. When he wakes up, please apologize to Deeks for me. He risked everything when I tried to take it all away from him. I hope someday I'm able to see him straight and apologize in person, but for now I entrust you with these words._

-0-0-0-

When Kensi finished reading the letter, her attention turned towards Deeks, who was mumbling on the bed. Brow furrowed, hands clinging to the blanket and breathe catching on his throat. Tears running down her face, Kensi lifted herself from the chair, and with a slight stumble walked towards her sleeping boyfriend.

 _If only it were that easy_ , Kensi thought to herself while she folded the letter back in half and stuck it in her pocket. Then she climbed back into bed and carefully wrapped her arms around Deeks. One of his hands instantly letting go of the blanket and intertwining his fingers with hers. The other encircling her shoulder and pulling her close to him. It only took a few minutes for his breathing to even out again. The proximity to his sunshine the only medicine Marty Deeks needed to feel back at peace.

Closing her eyes, Kensi thought back to that dream Deeks had mentioned. Begging her subconscious to show her too that possible image of their future. Wanting to see for herself her belly, and feel a life growing inside of her. But more than anything wanting to see the smile on Deeks face, until she was able to put it there for real and give him, _them,_ the greatest gift of them all. She knew it wouldn't be easy, and she could admit to herself that she was scared, but with Deeks at her side, together, they could do that and much more. They could have it all.

-x-x-x-

When Deeks opened his eyes the first thing that he noticed is that his latest memory hadn't been another dream. This time he truly was back in LA and somehow they had again managed to escape alive. That realization brought him peace, but it also made him wonder if someday their luck might finally run out.

Staring down at his fiancé sleeping soundly with her face over his chest, he noticed the streak of tears in her cheeks and wondered when had she woken up and why hadn't he heard her. He should always be there to comfort her, and she should never cry alone.

Carefully lifting his hand, he wipe the tears away, and continued the natural movement with his fingers interweaving in her hair. Blood was still visible on the side of her neck, and forehead, and he hated seeing it there.

Taking a few minutes to thank his Gods and appreciate the woman that he loved more than life itself, Marty Deeks remained awake while he silently played with Kensi's locks and enjoyed the heat of her body next to his. A few minutes later, he saw the piece of paper peaking from the pocket of her pants. Curiosity getting the better of him, he carefully moved his hand until his fingers held tightly to the corner, and he pulled the letter to him.

Tears also streaked his face when he was done reading. And before he could allow himself to react any other way, he folded the letter back into its original form and as warily as possible got it back where it belonged. The realization that Hidoko was truly dead and neither of them had been able to say goodbye or even see her again making his heart hurt, and his hands to move automatically towards her sleeping girlfriend, drawing her to him, just a little bit closer.

Thinking back to Mosley's words, he silently promised to himself to do everything in his power to give Kensi everything that she deserved. And to never put in her in a position where she really had to make such a choice. But knowing the job might be the one to do that, he came to the conclusion that they needed to talk and find some mutual understanding. He wanted kids and the chance to be better than his father, but he wanted Kensi even more. They had options, so they would talk, and they would find their common ground. Because children wouldn't matter if Kensi was not the mother, biological or otherwise.

Waking up in the decrepit Mexican church, head hurting and body cold, he had secretly thought he was going to die. He never said the words, and had just concentrated on fighting for their lives. But within himself he had already been saying his goodbyes. Somehow destiny had interfered and against all odds, they were all, mostly, back alive. He would take advantage of his newfound time. He would get married, he might have kids. He would be happy. They would be happy. And they would get to enjoy everything that life had ripped away from those who had been taken to soon, the images of Michelle and Harley coming to his mind. And regardless of what life brought, and what choices they made, he knew they would do it together. Because men and women are not meant to walk alone, and he's lucky to have the best possible companion at his side.

 _I Love You._ Deeks murmured as he allowed his eyes to close and his head to fall onto Kensi's side. Exhaustion winning the battle, and his tired body finally succumbing to the pull of sleep.

-x-x-x-

Unbeknown to the other, both Kensi and Deeks had fallen back sleep with the same thought prevalent on their minds. They had survived this, and many other adventures together, but now, in between some natural fear and doubt, they both looked forward to the greatest of them all. Having a family together –the early years of childhood and late night newborn wake up calls, rushing in the morning to get the kids ready for school, teaching them how to surf, hike, cook and just survive. The worry that comes with parenthood outshined by its many joys.

One day they would truly have it all.


End file.
